Vulnerability in Agony

I learned what feels like a lifetime of experiences in 2022.

• This last year was a year of extreme growth. A definitely “be careful what you wish for” kind of deal. The agony I have felt is indescribable. I challenged it for most of the year, which drove me to insanity. It was only recently that I have slowly started to accept that it’s a part of me, it’s a part of my transition into another version of myself. The pain is a signal that a layer of myself is in the process of dying. To hold agony and anger as a sense of empowerment is a type of vulnerability. I strongly recommend everyone who is in their ‘cocoon’ to take a moment and praise their vulnerability. Sharing pain is sacred. There is tremendous strength in accepting, sharing, learning, and experimenting with pain in vulnerability- in a positive, proactive sense.
• I recently had an intuition that this specific struggle would be coming to its climax soon, and that it’s all for a reason. That all the problem solving and intense self-curiosity would bear beautiful fruits. This was a lesson for me to listen to my gut, and not only my fears. I never realized fear was a driving force for some of my behavior until I was recovering from my lowest point. When you face your ego, it begins to settle into place. Fear has its role, but preventing it from inducing self-sabotage is a learned art form.
• I was given the opinion as a teenager that I “challenge the inevitable.” These words offended me, and continued to plague me for a while. I realize now that I challenge what doesn’t feel right in my body; that clarity comes from work AND letting go, in appropriate cycles; that most things we think are inevitable are actually uncertain, and the only thing I CAN do is be true to my core.
• There is strength in relying on others. There is a build of connection when surrendering to the fact that you cannot do everything on your own and decide to trust another person. As a hyper-independent, this continues to be a work in progress for me.
• I learned that a true, vulnerable relationship is terrifying. It’s an exposure that is unnerving and confusing. It highlights your own behavior and mindsets that are not productive to a successful partnership. It is beautiful once the realization begins to take hold that surrendering is to be celebrated.

All these things happen in cycles, as all things do, as we learn to be who we want to be. Never give up exploring your world and your soul.

Photo by Ria Vianna